you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
