Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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