time to smoke my breakfast
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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