You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
