I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
