Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I have tasted many bathrooms
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
