Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
