I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
