Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
