Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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