I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
