At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
