I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
