i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
