i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
