I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He shit in the fireplace
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
