before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
