Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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