keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
