just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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