so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
