I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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