She said her name was "party"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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