I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
