At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
