I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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