he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
