He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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