Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
