You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He better not be in your backpack
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
