I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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