Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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