Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Boobs speak an international language.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
