You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
