shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
