I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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