mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
