do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
