I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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