We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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