I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
