bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
