i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
