he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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