just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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