the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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