I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
