Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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