Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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