I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We need a shit load of segways right now
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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